


Strip Club!

by storieswelove



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fun Ted is back, Fun nights out in Schitt's Creek, I'm trash but aren't we all?, M/M, Patrick's first time at a strip club, little bit of drama, little bit of sexy time, siblings being siblings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-27
Updated: 2019-09-27
Packaged: 2020-10-29 08:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20793497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storieswelove/pseuds/storieswelove
Summary: "There were only two strip clubs within a 15 mile radius of Schitt’s Creek: The Dude Cave, the all-male strip club, and Bazonga’s Gentleman’s Lounge, all women, separated only by a shared parking lot."The crew takes a late-night detour to a strip club. Everyone has an opinion.





	Strip Club!

Two hours and a large bottle of vodka from Ted’s freezer split among the five of them in was a bad time to find out the Wobbly Elm was closed for asbestos removal. They were drunk, cold, and desperate for a night out.

Stevie stumbled back to catch the cab driver, yelling at the four of them to get back in. Stevie, it seemed, would not be defeated by asbestos. 

“Ok, well, where are we going?” yelled David, a little drunk, but mostly annoyed over interrupted plans. Between how busy the store had been and the _ Cabaret _ rehearsals, he and Patrick hadn’t had a night out in months. Evening entertainment was few and far between in Schitt’s Creek, and he was dreading going back to one of their apartments. They were stuck in a rut. He missed the outside world. 

“Strip club!” Alexis called out, her grin a mile wide. No matter how happy and settled she was, Drunk Alexis always reverted to her pre-Schitt’s Creek days, when she had sought out high-stakes thrills and groups of loose acquaintances. In the years that separated them from their old life, Alexis had adapted, always a chameleon, finding cheap thrills in motel parties, little game nights, and occasionally, a strip club. 

The group cheered at her suggestion, piling back into the cab. Their driver barrelled down the single-lane main road that connected the tiny town to the rest of the world. 

There were only two strip clubs within a 15 mile radius of Schitt’s Creek: The Dude Cave, the all-male strip club, and Bazonga’s Gentleman’s Lounge, all women, separated only by a shared parking lot. It was packed tonight, picking up some of the spillover from the closed bar. 

The five of them stumbled out of the van and into the lot, a tumble of limbs and giggles, everyone racing for the door. After a few seconds, it became very apparent that they had not discussed their plan. 

“Um, babe, where are you going?” Alexis asked Ted, one limp wrist pointed toward The Dude Cave. 

Ted was halfway to the door of Bazonga’s before he realized he was alone. 

“Aren’t we going to... wait, no,” he said, realization dawning on him, slowed by the vodka. “No, no no, I am _ not _ going to The Dude Cave.” 

“Loosen up, Ted!” yelled Patrick, looking bashful at his over-enthusiasm when David caught his eye, lips pursed in a knowing grin. Patrick had never been to an all-guys strip club. 

“My cousin works there! I don’t want to look at that!” Ted looked around desperately at his friends. 

“I’m with Ted. The music sucks at The Dude Cave. Let’s go see the ladies!” Stevie called back. 

Their bickering ended with all eyes on David, their literal swing vote uncharacteristically quiet. 

“Here’s the thing,” he said, his face wrinkling in a guilty smile. “I can’t remember who has the better wings.” 

“Ew, David! Are you _ serious _?” 

“Excuse me, Alexis, this is a _ very _difficult decision. I’m starving, and we all know I have trouble making a decision on an empty stomach.” 

“David!” Patrick was exasperated. 

“What? The Dude Cave changed their recipe recently, and now I can’t remember whose are better!” he said, arms flying in half-hearted indignation. 

A pause. 

“David, is there something you need to tell me?” 

“Honey, I can’t eat at the cafe every night. It’s too depressing. Don’t worry, I literally just come for the wings.” 

The freezing cold had made everyone irritable, and they took their frustrations out on David. Still, David hemmed and hawed for a minute, before looking at Patrick, trying so hard to hide his excitement. He cracked. 

“Fine, fine. The Dude Cave. Let’s go.” 

Ted groaned, but reluctantly followed them in. 

*** 

Inside the club was loud and sticky, but the booze was cheap and the dollar bills were flying. David was the only one who ate, piling his plate with wings and fries. 

“So, eating at a strip club, that’s not incorrect?” Patrick smirked at his boyfriend. 

“Patrick, these are the only decent wings within an hour’s drive. These are trying times, I do what I have to. Now turn around, it’s not every day you visit your first strip club.” 

“David, I’ve been to strip clubs before.” 

“Mmmmm,” is all David responded, smiling. 

At David’s encouragement, Patrick got lost in the show, lost in the over-the-topness of it all. It was overwhelming, so many beautiful people and so little clothes. It made him feel like a teenager again, another tally mark on the ever-expanding list of experiences he _ thought _ he’d had, only to find out they’d all been wrong. He’d come to realize that having a sexual awakening in your 30s was like going through puberty again — everything was new and shiny and definitely, most definitely, about sex. Even something as ridiculous as a drunken game of spin the bottle made him jealous, an emotion usually foreign to Patrick. 

Soon everyone was engrossed in the show, cheering and shoving bills into g-straps, David gleefully laughing at Stevie when Ginuwine’s “Pony” came on. Eventually, even Ted peeled his hands off of his face, once his cousin’s dance was over and the hives had worn off.

In a pause between shows, Alexis began to turn toward her brother, her face plastered with the mischievous smile she reserved only for David, for their inside jokes and loving harassment. 

“David, didn’t that blonde guy remind you of the dancer at Kiss Kiss…ummm, where’s my brother?” 

David’s plate was clear, all crumpled napkins and cartoonishly clean chicken bones, but he was gone. 

“Bathroom, maybe?” suggested Stevie. 

They were distracted by a new song, Rhianna’s “Umbrella,” and a new dancer, dark-haired and broad shouldered, but by the time the set was over, it was clear that David was missing. Patrick checked the bathroom and came out empty handed, visibly frustrated. Fifteen minutes of drunk panic, calls straight to voicemail, and a lightbulb moment from Stevie found David inside Bazonga’s Gentleman’s Lounge, halfway through another plate of wings. He waved sheepishly when he realized he’d been spotted. 

“David, what the hell?” His voice strained, Patrick stepped up close. 

“I’m sorry! I just knew how excited you were to go to The Dude Cave and I wanted you to be able to go. But...these were the wings I wanted. And then when I got here, a _ very _cute woman was dancing to Shania Twain so I just… stayed” He shrugged meekly, eyes bright, mouth pursed in another guilty smile. 

“Could you at least have told us you were going? We were freaking out!” said Stevie. Her apathy always fell apart when she was worried for her friends. 

“I tried to tell you all, but no one would look away from that tall, blonde guy during ‘Get Low!’” 

“Oh my god, David,” said Alexis, lowering her voice conspiratorially. “The one that looked like that dancer who I made out with in Tokyo?” 

David covered his mouth, laughing. 

“Oh god, that’s who I was thinking of,” said David, matching his sister’s tone, slipping easily into their private jokes. “The one who gave you the drugs that he’d stolen from the Yakuza?” 

“Could you at least have texted us?” said Patrick, bringing David’s focus back to him.

“I did! I texted Alexis that my phone was dying!” he said indignantly, notorious for forgetting to charge. 

Everyone swung around to look at her. 

“Oh my god, David, I’m sorry, it’s not like I thought your text was serious!”

“Ok, well, we’re here now and I’m not done eating, so can we all please sit down?” David said. “Plus, Stevie was right, the music is much better here.” 

They bought more drinks, despite Patrick’s protests, as a group number to “Wanna Be” started up. David ran the back of his hand over Patrick’s thigh, the most contact he could manage with his hands so sticky. He hoped the touch would ease Patrick’s mood -- David thought he saw Patrick’s jealousy flare up at the mention of cute girls and Shania Twain. Instead, Patrick tensed, his quads tightening under David’s hand. He moved his attention back to his wings, but kept his leg brushed up against Patrick, who didn’t pull away. 

Stevie gleefully made use of her remaining bills when a redhead came out dancing to Avril’s “Girlfriend.” That redhead, it turned out, was named Cindi, and her dog Pickles was one of Ted’s patients. Fun Ted insisted on asking her, mid-song, how Pickles was doing, pulling up pictures on his phone of the brown and white beagle. He enthusiastically pushed the phone in a couple of their faces, before Alexis gently pulled it from his hand, pressing a finger to her lips, willing him to leave Cindi to her job.

“Aw, why’d you do that?” he asked. “I was just worried about the little guy! He had a chocolate scare a few weeks ago!” 

They stayed a while longer, but eventually it was Alexis who took pity on Patrick, still sulking next to David. 

“All right, team, it’s time to go.” 

Alexis drowned out their grumbling with her own “mmk c’mon”s, pushing them all out the door. She doubled back to hiss at David, their lone straggler, picking at his last wing. 

“Let’s _ go _, David. Patrick is upset, and I don’t want to have to deal with you moping tomorrow.”

It still struck David, sometimes, how their roles had shifted over the years. Alexis spent a decade only calling David when she was in an international crisis, knowing her big brother would come to bail her out. Now, in this small town where everything was safe except their hearts, he found his sister looking out for him more often than not. 

He got up reluctantly. Dragging her brother by the arm, Alexis pulled him out into the cold, but not before David called out to the bouncer —

“Your wings are much better than The Dude Cave’s!” 

“Oh,” she called back, confused. “They’re from the same kitchen.” 

Alexis whipped around with an exasperated shrieked at her brother before pushing him toward the cab. 

*** 

Patrick and David were back home, standing outside the apartment door. Patrick hadn’t even tried to pull his keys out, pinning his boyfriend against the wall, tracing sloppy kisses down his neck. 

David, head still tilted back, came to his senses. He pulled the keys out of Patrick’s pocket and eased them both into the apartment, careful not to break apart. Patrick wasted no time once they were inside, ripping off David’s sweater and reaching for the button on his boyfriend’s pants. 

“Well, someone’s frisky tonight,” said David, crooked smile out in full force. “I guess you’re not annoyed at me anymore? You really shouldn’t be jealous, she was cute but she had nothing on your sweet little face.” 

“David, I didn’t care that you were checking out one of the dancers,” he said, biting David’s ear. David shuddered. 

“Oh, no?” He was having trouble concentrating. 

“It’s just…,” Patrick pulled back, looking self-conscious. 

“Oh my god, what is it?” 

Patrick took a deep breath, bracing himself. 

“The last dancer kind of looked like you, and he was obviously really my type, and I was so horny, and I turned around and you weren’t there, and god, I just wanted to take you home to fuck you senseless.” 

“Oh.” David smirked, pulling Patrick in a little tighter. “So what you’re saying is, the next time we go to The Dude Cave, we’re going alone?” 

**Author's Note:**

> This was all a fever dream that came together in a glorious round of text messages between me and the friend who brought me down into this beautiful pit, and it all started with Ted's cousin who works The Dude Cave. She also beta'd this whole big mess to me, so thank you forever to her.


End file.
